BH90210: Who Asked For This?!

If you are a girl of a certain age, you already know who is missing. Who is it? Exactly.

First off, lemme say this: I was about 10 when the first permutation of Beverly Hills 90210 aired. I started watching it because that’s what every girl in Lowell Elementary School was watching! I could not suffer to be left out!

I remember my mother telling me that the show was ‘too grown’ for me. But, by the time I was 10, 11, I knew what sex was! I knew I couldn’t have it. But I knew my Mama didn’t want me to see Marky Mark drop his pants (thank you to Queyonna M. Barnes, my fifth grade best friend, for showing me his Calvin Klein ad in the magazine she had!) and I knew whatever she didn’t want me to see in him, she didn’t want me to see in the show!

This is the cast I remember–with Dylan.

With that said, I don’t know why Fox execs thought revamping this 20 some years later would be a good idea! I mean Dylan McKay made the damn show! Luke Perry is dead! Like?! I remember being caught up on whether or not you were a #TeamDylan girl or a #TeamBrandon girl! This was waaay before Twilight! I was always #TeamBrandon. But, let’s focus.

I think that this is a check grab. I really do! As memory serves, these this is where life left this squad:

-David and Donna got married

-Brenda is in London

-Kelly IS A THOT: she slept with her best friend’s man (Brandon and Dylan were best friends! Brandon and Brenda are twins–Kelly slept with her brother! Trollop!)

-Steve (who also slept with Kelly!) got married or in a committed relationship with a chick and had a daughter.

-Dylan was involved in mob stuff and his wife got killed and he left Beverly Hills.

-Brandon proposed to Kelly, but I don’t remember if they ever got married.

-Gabrielle Carteris’s character? Chile, I don’t even remember her name on the show! She left after the first season. I remember her coming back, but what I most remember? She had feelings for Brandon and never acted on them!

-Kelly? Chile. Look. Whatever peen she wasn’t chasin, she was ridin! She broke Girl Code by banging best friend! And her brother! Like, BIHH! Stop it! Coochie is not a buffet! It is not for everyone!

Will I be watching this? Even as a mockumentary? No. There is no Dylan, and Brenda is the definition of entitled bitch, and Kelly never deserved Brandon. There I said it! Ain’t no body ask for this, so I cannot devote any time to this.

Y’all watch it for me, hear? Thank you.