“If you surrender to the air, you can ride it.”
I am over the hump!
In a matter of weeks, I will be a college graduate. That is still a heavy thing for me to accept. This entire semester has renewed my faith in God, humanity and myself. This week? I got further confirmation that words are what I am supposed to do, to bend, and perhaps teach until the end of my days.
I was accepted into the English Honors Society Sigma Tau Delta. Yes, I am building my professional network. This society–this English Honors Society!–will only help that. I was told by my professional chapter member (Kate Watt–even her name is cool!), that I will get a chord when I graduate. In a matter of weeks.
I will be able to wear my father’s fraternity stole, and this chord which signifies that which I am working towards. So, to answer your question, I am looking to the Ph.D. program. I am looking into jumping as it were from an MA/MFA to a Ph.D. I am embracing this path God has chosen for me! I am grateful and I cannot tell you how in awe of God I am.
For the past 10 weeks, every class meeting, every reading assignment, every commute to class and back has been done in absolute faith. And every step of the way, God has made straight the path. He has given time for me to rest, be with my family, and see the end of this.
Can I tell you something?
I was beating myself up hard this week. HARD. All I could think about was how I should have done this 20 years ago. I would have been able to be doing that which I love to do, and would have been doing it for a decade and more! I could have been somewhere, anywhere else than I am right now. I thought about this to the point of tears. I saw the time I wasted–I saw a whole different life in front of me. For anyone that knows me, knows I hate wasting time.
But then I thought about what I learned in those years I chased a nursing degree. I thought about how every time I leaned towards English, life was smoother. Nursing was hard, arduous and draining. It was rigorous! But I could do it–and could have been a great nurse. Yet, those are not my giftings.
I am thinking of the people I would not have known, my children, and even the friends I have. I thought about what I have now, rather than what I have missed. Would it have been great to have all my schooling done by 40? That would have been SO BOMB! But, I believe, God knowing the end from the beginning, knew if I didn’t have a detour, hardships or suffering, I would be insufferable. I’d be a bitch. And out of touch. And in an Ivory Tower.
I wouldn’t be me.
I am a writer. An artist. A healer of the alphabet sort. You cannot spell TESTIMONY without TIME. The time I have spent doing what I thought was the best thing, listening to other people, believing negating what I knew I would be the best thing for me in the favor of the practical–cost me time.
But what time gave me back? It cannot be measured. I have taken the guess work out of this now. I suppose that is what it means to ‘surrender to the air’ so you can ride it. I have given up the weight of doubt, other people’s opinions, and desire for their understanding.
This life, my life, is not subject to the chaotic crazy of other people. It took me 20 years to figure that out.