through countless prayers and

sleepless nights

against dense and soggy pillows

I have longed for you

given my all against rational reason

to none but you

all I was and all I had was you

and the fading promises and too often

whispered phrases that make women

frail and subject to their own folly

yet I feel no hatred

no misandry there

only sorrow…this lingering stench of want

when I had thought all of me

had been rebaptized and made whole

that stench, that wretched odor,

came upon me once more

and the wondering began, that wishing hunger

the wondering if this is really to be mine

again, the wishing hope that all I had

suffered was for this love, my love

the hunger of having it near me again

memories of this mock the mind

and quell the essential rhythms and

sheen to the eye

once the light of day

made new caresses the face and enlivens the blood

it brings all things back into focus

I have realized that I have tried to capture

the moon with a net, and the stars in jars

I have seen my err and forgiven myself for it…one day

now I must be ever

watchful of this and in this

he is not mine

he never will be again.

-Jennifer Bush (now Harris), 2005-personal canon