Roux, Regrets & Restarts

At my day job, a lot of my co-workers are married or seriously dating. This is not a bad thing! I don’t really weigh on those things unless asked. I grin at the married people jokes. I chuckle at the shenanigans of single people dating. I watch the quiet faces of women that cry in the locker room because of relationship drama.

I have been all of those women. All of them.

In this wisdom I have accumulated by experience, gleaning and folly, allows me to give empathy where there could be none, save for these experiences. And in that space, I realize how serious healing is. I realize how relationships might be distractions from addressing just what is wrong with you! In the almost year I have been single, I have made the decision to not shy away from the hard work of healing up. Truly healing up! This means confronting what I allowed in relationships, what I did to harm/end them, as well as what not to do again.

And that is hard. It’s hard to stop playing the tape of “I’m hurt and it’s all someone else’s fault.”

I never thought I would be repairing my heart right now, not like this. Not again. With that the pain, I can heal. I can clean out the things that hurt in order to be healthy. I even have become serious about therapy for myself to understand what it is I was content to be where I was no valued; stayed when it was the healthier thing to go; why I took care of myself last. I now have the time to ask myself, “Why?”

As I figure those things out, I’m sure I will keep healing. And that is the goal. Dating will come. No rush. Time is on my side for once.