Week 4: “Is Love A Myth?”

Is love a myth? No.

In the space that I am in now, I know two things.

First, Sex is not medicine.

Second, I value intimacy over sex.

Love like I want, and like I have read about, it is something that is special. It is rare. So incredibly rare. I realize that I am precious and valuable, and have no need to reveal that specialness to anyone else. Not right now, anyway. Love is not a myth, it is a power source. You an build with it, take it with you, and it is deep enough to last longer than social media. That is what I want, and what I am looking for. I am looking for something that I am aware that few people will find, or know how to hang on to.

Love is often said, and not shown enough. At this point in my life, I understand that what loving someone means, versus being in love with someone means. If I tell you “I love you” that means that I support you, care for you, and want the best for you whether it benefits me or not. From those three components, I am promising that I will do all in my power to care for you, and being your soft place in the world. Love is a door, window and a mirror. Never a wall. Love, real love, will always make windows and walls–that is it’s nature!

Love is not a myth. It is always waiting. And right now, I’m waiting on it. For the first time, I’m waiting on it to find me–rather than running after it.

Good thing come to those who wait, right? I’m about to find out. What do I have to lose? I refuse to lose myself again.

Week 2: “Do I Even Want To Date?”

I have been separated (soon to be divorced!) for 10 months. In that time, I have not been pressed about seeing people! Frankly, I don’t want to be seen and not really concerned about people trying to see me. There is a fear in me that doesn’t want to date. I mean, I really don’t want to! There is no reason to! I am loving my own company, loving being able to command my own time and space. I don’t have to be anywhere, being anything to anyone when I get there, and I have no desire to put myself anywhere.

There are girlfriends of mine who tell me that it’s time that I start dating. There is no rush. There can be rush. Why? I just don’t want to. I’m not sure if that makes me mean, wary, or just a bitch. I’m still trying to figure all that out. But, the thing that I find striking about all this healing I’m doing is that I am becoming honest with myself. I am learning that the most pure form of love I could have for myself is to not lie to myself again.

I have lived almost 4 decades, man! In that time, you would think that I would have learned and applied something. What I have noticed is it is easier to be involved with someone else rather than work on myself. And right now, I want to work on me. I don’t want to be bothered with someone else. I don’t want to be concerned with the whims and moods of someone else! I am selfish right now. I am not apologizing for that. All I want is all of me. I don’t want to, I don’t have to and I have no desire to. Right now, my time intimate selves are both commodities–rare and exquisite. Until I am ready to share both, I’m cool right here–healing and not worried about someone thinking of swiping left or right on me. I chose me, no one else matters.

It’s Love Month, And I Ain’t Worried…

I have been married twice. I have always been in a relationship. So, to be in this position after being with someone almost 7 years, it is strange to be by myself for the first time in almost a decade. But, it’s strange how quickly I have fallen back into just doing me.

Like truly doing me.

I am in a place and at an age that I have become intolerant of my time being wasted, I am not randomly smashing, and have my own money. I can lay out in my bed, and not touch anything but pillows and peace! There is a peace that comes with this level of singleness, with being single this time, it feels different. I am not sure if this is because of me about to turn 40 (I am still in real disbelief about this!), but this bout of singleness feels different. Dare I say it, this feels natural. It feels appropriate to be single right now. I mean, I am in awe of that right now. I am in awe of how settled I am–I don’t take that lightly though. I am at the age now where I would rather be alone than wishing that I was!

I am learning to be okay to be by myself. I am learning myself again, what I like and even who I want to spend time with. I am becoming more me than I think I ever was before. I am…happy. I have peace when I wake up now, and when I lay down. When I have to make a decision, I can do it without thinking about how it will sound to anyone else–or needing their approval!

I am a single girl who has never had a problem getting a date, or laid, whom has called herself an Eternal Juliet; whom in a former life had the nickname, Amoranda (which means worthy of being loved), is single for the first time in over a decade collectively.

And I am now in love, with myself. As it should be.

Week 1: “Am I Bitter?”

I’ve been known for the phrase, “I’m running out of sweet.” All this somewhat enigmatic phrase means is, “I don’t feel like being nice anymore.” What I have noticed in this latest bout of being single is there is a coolness that has come on me now. It is the roux of hurt, suspicion, and doubt–and it has formed brick around my heart, and I can feel it. I fight it off, and sometimes that doesn’t always work out.

The thing that I confront, or try to confront at the end of relationships is the simple question of, “What happened?” I understand that the greater question is always this, but I ask it aloud. I understand that my problem is that when I am in love with someone, I want the best for them, and I want them to be cared for. I want them to be happy! I give and give until I cannot give anymore. And in that giving, I realize the reason I do this is because of doubt. That, and I don’t want the ghost of being considered a ‘bitter woman.’

You know the ones! The women that are the protagonists in Harlequin novels: tough as old bread, believing love is a lie and then she meets a bad boy with the same hurts. Then through the magic of time an circumstance, they have kismet sex on to run from each other. At the end they wind up together. Happily ever after in 200 pages–Nora Roberts is aces at this (no shade, she’s amazing).

But I have been wondering in this. Really wrestling with this, dear ones. I have been married and divorced and done it again. I have chosen to not drag either ex-husband through the gauntlet of the internet because they don’t need that. That is the last grace I can give–I can be a classy lady when needed.

But the thing now, after the end of this almost decade relationship is this, and I ask it aloud to all of you, and the angelic host:

“Do I have enough in me to do that again?”

What is the ‘again’ you ask? The dating, talking to people, trying to get to know them, and being serious about them–or they being serious about me. Do I really want to go through that again only to end up hurt again? What I have done is give my all to my romantic relationships so that IF/WHEN they end I can say that I did everything I can.

The question that still linger is, “Do I have enough in me to do it again?”