30 Days Of Jaye: Final Reflections

This month has been catharic.

It has allowed me to explore further my love of writing, especially poetry. In my personal canon, there are about 300 poems. Some haven’t seen the light of other screens or been published. There was a time when I thought this gift was gone, so it is amazing and humbling to share a portion of my work with you all! I hope that you enjoyed it. I hope that you quoted it! I hope it reminded you of your own desire to write, or reignited a love for poetry. I hope my works were added to your personal library and conversation. I hope you loved the tour around this portion of my writing world, and I hope you will stay. while.

You all are now members of this corner of the universe, and shall always be welcome.

Fare well, dear ones.

With Love & Ink,

JBHarris

30 Days Of Jaye: Elicit

Sleep be stayed…

Give me more of this

that I have wished and given

my soul for,

let the angels bare witness

to my devouring

let my pleadings coat his ears,

my taste on his lips and

rest on all of him that is utterly

male and in defiance of my

moans of cessation

let my no’s be his yes and

take me as I am, as I wish to always be

make me his

let me remain here

let me stay in this inferno that we

have created in these moments and in the ones

that follow

let sleep ever be elusive from me

let me be subject to him

and belong to none but him

let his desire and his lust for me

be my healing balm

let his hands be ruthless in his pursuit of me

in his thrusting in and out of me

let me be his

prayer cannot be used to soothe

such aches and neither will I permit it to

he is all I need

Jennifer Bush (now Harris) age 23, January 26, 2005-personal canon

30 Days Of Jaye: Golden Girl

In looking at the date on this piece, my oldest daughter was born exactly 3 years later. I am humbled. –JBHarris

health and beauty

strength and love,

I have so many things given

to me and to be thankful for

now I’m wondering when my life

becomes mine, if my dreams,

faith and hopes are misplaced, when

will I truly be able to become

whom I was meant, for whom I was

meant for

I have lived for other

people and their dreams for me,

for the better part of my years,

more than I would want to remember

I have fulfilled my obligations as

as child and continue to do that daily

In essence, I have not begun to live yet. When will I?

I must make the

decision to step from my

comfort and dip into the unknown

to embrace the new and foreign

regardless of whom may think what…

I want the only opinion that matters to be mine

I have decided to take off this shroud

that I donned so willingly,

perhaps unwillingly for several years now…

I have stalled my growth in favor of

other’s happiness and comfort

at what cost?

At what cost?

Live in its true intent

and purpose is a journey

one that can be survived, so why fear?

I have all that I need within me

I am able to do all that I wish

with He that Is All

let the whispers and laughs come

let the doubts be raised,

I have oceans to see, stars to count…

I must live…by MY rules.

Jennifer Bush (now Harris) age 23) September 1, 2004– personal canon

30 Days Of Jaye: Over My Shoulder…Thank You

without you

I could never be who I am

I could never have seen

what I have seen

nor be able to find what

I sought through what seemed

like a never ending night

thank you for being my rock

and my morning star

thank you for being you

thank you for letting me be me

thank you for never leaving me

for embodying my wishes

for being my desire

for being my healing balm

and my spark…for being my ache

for giving me something to reach for and keep

thank you for telling me that I can

for telling me that never is not an option nor a possibility

thank you for being my love

for your love

thank you for taking my hand, when I didn’t want to walk

for holding me, when I couldn’t see

thank you for consoling me when the tears wouldn’t stop falling

and when they wouldn’t fall at all

thank you for seeing me, as I was, as I am and not changing me

For that, I love you…always…

My wish and my wanting hope is

when you need me,

and you look over your shoulder,  you’ll let me be there….

Jennifer Bush (now Harris) age 24) July 15, 2005

30 Days Of Jaye: No More

through countless prayers and

sleepless nights

against dense and soggy pillows

I have longed for you

given my all against rational reason

to none but you

all I was and all I had was you

and the fading promises and too often

whispered phrases that make women

frail and subject to their own folly

yet I feel no hatred

no misandry there

only sorrow…this lingering stench of want

when I had thought all of me

had been rebaptized and made whole

that stench, that wretched odor,

came upon me once more

and the wondering began, that wishing hunger

the wondering if this is really to be mine

again, the wishing hope that all I had

suffered was for this love, my love

the hunger of having it near me again

memories of this mock the mind

and quell the essential rhythms and

sheen to the eye

once the light of day

made new caresses the face and enlivens the blood

it brings all things back into focus

I have realized that I have tried to capture

the moon with a net, and the stars in jars

I have seen my err and forgiven myself for it…one day

now I must be ever

watchful of this and in this

he is not mine

he never will be again.

-Jennifer Bush (now Harris), 2005-personal canon

30 Days Of Jaye: Look, Truth

to become what I was

always wanted

to be as I have always wanted to become

to be honest within truth, with my own

truth…to be able and willing to

confess my sins before my heart

and look at what havoc concludes

the love that I have sought is

in my grasp, in my palm

I taste and relish it

yet I cannot have it

this is fault of my own on making

and of my own maintenance

I cry at the loss of it

I have walked away from it

through my own wisdom

knowing that if it is really mine

it will remain…even though I have no right

to ask it to wait,

through broken prayer I have made my peace

with it, what happens I will and must deal with it

to heal at all costs…that is my truth

-Jennifer Bush (now Harris), 2005

30 Days Of Jaye: Melancholy

a divided heart is never

a trusting thing,

you are at war with demons

of your own creating

you are torn between the

potential and what is within

your grasp

such aches encourage and

thrive on sleepless nights,

heartache a companion you

tend to befriend

I have incurred such a task

I have something so wondrous

within my sights,

yet my desires seem to turn

me away from it–

yet I cannot ignore the former…

How can I have a heart of two minds?

(Jennifer Bush (now Harris), age 23) August 20, 2004-personal canon

30 Days Of Jaye: Enchantment

I know not from

Where he came,

He has woven a

Spell upon me…

A spell that manifests

Itself as enrapturing

Intoxication…

It begins to be maddening

To be without him.

What certain

Magick works its

Way through me

And draws me nearer

To him?

He has bewitched me…

He quickens me in

Cool places that

Were once void

Of such pleasure…

Of such effortless

Emotion.

This sense of

Love I have never

Felt with another,

Dare I say,

I never truly will

Again.

What I have

Experienced in his

Company far surpasses

What I have experienced

With any other

He has intrigued

Me thoroughly

And enticed me fully

I am in total

Adoration of him

I am at ease in

His company,

Safe inside his

Embrace,

Secure in his

Words…

A sense of a

Genuine bond.

A bond of such

True a base, that

I could never see

Myself to betray him.

He has given me

The humbling task                 

Of being entrusted

With his heart.

He was surrendered his

Will to me

I required no such

Sacrifice, however he

Has seen fit to give himself

Totally to me

This humbles me more so.

I shall submit

To him also

I have given

Him my heart

As well allowing

Him to have my

All of me as he

Sees fit.

I do this in

Hopes that he

And I will realize

That I am here

For him and

I want only him

And his happiness.

I want him to

Realize that I

Will not push

Nor prod him into

Something that

Ill-suits him

I want him to

Understand that the

Love that I have for

Him will only mature

If given the chance to…

I want him to

Realize that I

Will be what he

Needs me to be

To him as long

As I can be it to him

I have resisted his

Lure and fought against

The effect of him.

This ambition to

Belong to him

Has only rooted itself

Deeper within my

Being, residing there

Feeding and strengthening

Itself…as if it knows me.

It lovingly whispers these

Truths in my ear…

It reassures me of the

Honor of your intent…

My wish is to

Be possessed only

By him…

To belong to him

In every aspect.

To love him past

The realm of normal

Reason

My wish is

To love him…

Only him.

Jennifer Bush (age 22; now Harris) March 3, 2004 (*personal canon)

30 Days Of Jaye: Eclipse

i can only be what I am and i make no apologies for it i want you more than i am comfortable/and one day that may turn into a heated need that need coaxed thoroughly and expertly by you morphing into an ache that ruins and separates me from anyone else…

i would be perfect then, i muse molded into this thing of awesome beauty clothed and unclad vision of all that you may have ever wanted…to be the last thing you taste in the morning, and that last thing you want after the sun has gone and the moon takes his place to watch you feast upon me and all that is female and saved for you to roll, tumble, fall and be claimed by you taken, but freely given that i may show you exactly what anticipation of you has inspired me to perform to have you as i want my name being said over perfect lips with the effort of breath and the gentle tenderness of seraphim ravage you and have you hold me tighter than the air encased inside you and your pleas for more being my only satiation to give you me, as none has ever had me before

Jennifer-Phylon Bush (now Harris), May 28, 2008